Harry Potter and the Lion That Turns Out to Be God
by grafiti rtk
Summary: JK Rowling is wondering how to end the HP series.. until she finds the perfect solution. Wondering how the seventh book will end? Well, wonder no longer! Don't read if you're an obsessed fanyou might be offended.
1. Part 1

Author's note: Ever wonder what the seventh Harry Potter book is going to look like? Well, you don't have to, because here it is! Broken into two chapters for easy reading.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. And don't read this if you're easily offended and/or in love with the Harry Potter books. For more info, use your handy-dandy dictionary to look up the word "parody."

**Prologue: Oh the Thinks You Can Think**

J. K. Rowling sat by her computer, looking worried.

"How am I ever going to think of a satisfactory end to the seventh book?" she wondered aloud. "I put my all into the first six Harry Potter books, but now I've got nothing left. And I told everybody that there were going to be two deaths, and that I was going to end the book with the word 'scar.' What a total moron I've been. How in Satan's name am I ever going to pull it off?"

Ms. Rowling sat, and she thought.

"I've got it!" said she. "I'm already filthy rich, and no one can sue me for writing a lousy book. My prayers have been answered! Thank you, Satan."

She typed away, fast and furious.

**Chapter One**

_In a bed, a grotesque figure lay sleeping. A ghostly looking figure crept through the open window._

_"Voldemort," it said. "You have been very bad. You will be visited tonight by four ghosts. The ghosts of the past, the present, the future, and Sauron."_

_"Why Sauron?" asked Voldemort._

_"Because you remind me so much of him, and I always thought it would be interesting to have you two meet, that's why."_


	2. Part 2

**Chapter Two**

Harry Potter woke up. It was the dawn of his seventeenth birthday. He went downstairs, and was met by Hermione and Ron. They were all staying at the Burrow over the summer. Harry had delegated the duty of finding and destroying horcruxes to Remus Lupin, who was currently away.

Just then, Lupin burst through the doors. A bloody arrow was through his back.

"There's some good news and some bad news. Which would you rather hear first?"

"The good news!" Harry and Ron chorused.

"Right," Lupin continued. "I've just destroyed every horcrux except one."

"Wow," said Harry. "That really clears things up. Thanks."

"The last horcrux is this ring," Lupin continued. "I've obtained it through the follies of his bumbling assistant, Wormtail. It can only be destroyed in a certain way, which I will tell you in a minute. The bad news, I've been shot by an arrow. Now, to destroy it, you must--" He died before he finished the sentence.

"Glad that wasn't me," said Harry.

**Chapter Three**

"How are we supposed to figure out how to destroy the ring?" asked Hermione.

"Dunno," said Ron. "Maybe if we pray we can figure it out?"

"Nah," Harry said. "Praying is for wimps. Let's perform a demonic sacrifice."

The three kids drew a pentagram on the floor in goat's blood. They placed the ring in the center. Ron drew a circle of protection around it to keep the demons from escaping.

"Satan," they chanted, "destroy the ring!"

Within minutes, the ring lay in a pile of ashes on the floor. A magnificent lion appeared, and stepped out of the pentagram. It ran out of the house and into the streets.

"Ron!" Hermione shouted. "Look what you've done! You must not have drawn the circle right."

"Whatever," he said. "At least the ring is destroyed."


	3. Part 3

**Chapter Four**

"Now that all the horcruxes are destroyed, I must find Voldemort for a final match," Harry said. He left the house to do so, with Hermione and Ron hot on his trail.

In front of the Burrow, they were met with an odd sight. Voldemort, Draco Malfoy, and a bunch of the Death Eaters were standing there, making no move to attack.

"What the f..." Harry started. He was cut off by Voldemort.

"Harry Potter," the Dark Lord stated. "For years, I have wished you dead. Now, no longer. For, you see, I am your father."

"Really?" Harry was amazed.

"Yes. Don't ask how, but it's true. I know, what a twist, huh?"

He continued. "But, that is not why I've decided not to kill you. Last night, I had a dream. I was visited by three ghosts who showed me that my path of wrongdoings is bad. In fact, we've all decided to change our ways." He gestured to the rest of the Death Eaters.

"Last night, some lion appeared at my house. He took me on a journey to a magical land, where I went on a boat trip to the end of the world. At the beginning I was a total jerk, but now I see the true meaning of existence."

Each Death Eater, it turned out, had been to some kind of magical land the previous night, during which time they turned good.

"What day is this, boy?" asked Voldemort.

"Why, it's September 25th," the boy replied.

"Great! Then I haven't missed the Feast of the Copyright Lawyers! Let's eat!"

There was much singing in London that night, and Voldemort himself cut the roast beef. His heart grew three sizes that night. It turned out, it was a medical condition, and _not_ a good thing. He died later that night.

**Chapter Five**

"Harry, Ron, I've got to tell you something." Hermione looked at the boys anxiously.

"What is it, Mione?" Ron asked.

"I feel this deep-seated need to become a nanny." She pulled out an umbrella. "I'm going to fly around London, helping kids."

"When will we see you again?" Ron asked.

"With the North wind," she said, flying away on her umbrella.

"It's just as well," Ron said. "I'm going away for a while to go to this magical candy factory. I've got a golden ticket."

"Yeah," Harry said, "and I was going to keep this dragon egg for a while to see if it hatched. Maybe it'll help explain this weird silver mark on my hand."

"Guess we're all going our separate ways." Harry nodded as Ron left.

**Chapter Six**

A few months later, everything was back to normal.

"Now that everything's back to normal again, let's go to school."

Harry, Hermione and Ron gathered their things and set themselves to board the Hogwarts Express.

"So, you mean all Death Eaters are really the Ku Klux Klan?", asked Ron, biting into a dung-flavored Every-Flavor-Bean.

"Yes," said Hermione. "Doesn't it make sense? They dress in black robes and go to secret meetings and—"

"Watch out!" yelled Harry. 'The Hogwarts Express is gonna crash!'

The trio screamed as they went careening about the train. Then everything went black.

When they woke up, they were in Hogwarts. Dumbledore the White leaned over them, accompanied by a giant lion.

"What just happened?" asked Harry, puzzled.

"Oh!" cried Hermione. "It makes perfect sense. Don't you see? Hogwarts is really heaven and this lion is God."

"That doesn't seem like a satisfying end to a children's book," Harry said. "It's like, sucky, crummy, a rip."

"They have an acronym for that, you know," Hermione interjected.

"Yeah, I know—S.C.A.R."


End file.
